Tattva-viveka
Fear of commitment
Nitai Joseph - April 25, 2007 4:32 pm
Well, as I've been mentioning around the forum, I'm about to make a hopefully permanent(whatever that means in the material world) move to Audarya. I fly out in 66ish hours. This reality has just hit me some and thought maybe it would help me to post my thoughts and feelings. And maybe even someone could get something out of it, maybe.
Right now my whole body has that tense feeling of anticipation/nervousness. I'm feeling quite scared. I am fully anticipating some challenges to my normal level of comfortability(physical and mental), but I worry about my determination and commitment. I so want this to work out, but I don't know how much I am really willing to inconvenience myself for the cultivation of bhakti. I doubt my seriousness. The people living at Audarya seem so engaged and "fixed-up", where did I get the idea that I can exist amongst their ranks.
Today I came across a quote from Srila Sridhar Maharaja, "We should always try to be in such a position that the servants of the Lord will like our company and service." I worry I won't be in that position :Nail Biting: and the last thing I want to do is inconvenience the Audarya-vasis. It's interesting, normally I am pretty confident about myself, believe that I can interact nicely with others, and they enjoy my company. I guess alot of things are being questioned since this is the biggest leap of my life thus far, materially and spiritually. I know theoretically we should take some discomfort in spiritual life, but wow, it's not so fun I'm thinking. And yet amidst all this, I am still not feeling prayerful in these "final hours".
Swami has told me that, (paraphrasing) in this situation there will be "no loss or dimunition", if the lifestyle isn't for me, I will still be better informed and equipped for my proper lifestyle. To that I feel like throwing a tantrum, "but I don't want any other lifestyle" :Big Grin: This is probably a sign of immaturity, but I just feel like, "keep it simple, stupid". I'm young, my obligations are few, and why not keep it that way.
Anyway sorry for wasting your time, but if anyone has some thoughts that might ease my mind, or slow my heart rate for that matter, please chime in. Also maybe someone could reveal some of the misconception or attachments that bring feelings like these.
Vivek - April 25, 2007 4:43 pm
Nitai i think your understanding of sastra is very deep and profound for your age. I have hardly seen anybody with that kind of grasp of vaisnavism at 18 years so if you make that attempt and jump in the name of krsna it will be always a success for you. Atleast you would have tried out this lifestyle. You ou may regret later on if you didnt take this opportunity when your enthusiasm is very high, you never know in which lifetime can you get such enthusiasm to dedicate so much for bhakti. "For one does good is never overcome by evil" krsna says in B.G. Other things like education and career, all other pleasures things can be possible even after you are 25 or later. You have so much time to work out things in fact i envy your position as i am 26 already and do not have that much flexibility to try out things. I have to almost make final decisions all the time.
Good luck nitai, please accept my prayers and good wishes for your success!
Gaurangi-priya Devi - April 25, 2007 4:56 pm
I understand your nervousness. You are moving in with high company. But their kindness will uplift you, and you will learn so much. Actually I believe you will have the time of your life, and you will be able to remember this time of surrender and service and living in the Guru's ashram for many years to come. I was thinking how we who were born into KC have more of a responsibility to take up the process of bhakti-yoga. It seems like we can get complacent, feel like "I've always known Krsna, I'll always be a devotee no matter what I do". But really, we've been given this amazing advantage, a head start in the process, and with that advantage comes more responsibility, because what more of a loss it is when those given that advantage slip away. I'm proud of you taking this challenge, and I know that you will have no regrets what so ever. Really when you let go a little bit and let Guru and Krsna take over a bit, so many good things come out of your life, and there is a great sense of peace in your heart. If only I could really let go!!!!!!!!
Anyway, Nitai, you've got a lot of support. We're rooting for you. And the greatest thing is when you have someone like Gurumaharaj rooting for you, and you do. So no worries :Nail Biting: , and I'll see you there. :Big Grin:
Bhrigu - April 25, 2007 5:46 pm
You have all of our blessings and good wishes, but even more importantly, Guru Maharaja is there to welcome you. I remember how scared and even unhappy I was when I moved into an ashram (though that move was not "permanent" for more than a year :Big Grin: ), but also how relieved I felt when I had done so. The worst thing is always the wait and taking the decision. Once you are there, I am sure that you will feel at home. It does take some time to get used to the new surroundings and routines (for me, getting used to waking up so early was the most difficult part, as well as taking orders), but Gurunistha and all the other devotees are there to give you a good start in your new life. You're doing the right thing! :Nail Biting:
Nanda-tanuja Dasa - April 25, 2007 5:59 pm
Most importantly -- be true to yourself. Sincerity is invincible. If it doesn’t workout, please do not consider it to be your failure: grhe thako vane thako, sada hari bole dako. Just remember to do the second part. Good luck! You are in good hands.
Guru-nistha Das - April 26, 2007 12:58 am
Don't worry, Nitai. Most people who have done this have had the exact same reservations and fears, I definitely had them too, but it's so glorious to even try to give up exploitation and try to surrender and dedicate one's existence for something so beautiful and reasonable as the cultivation of Prema bhakti.
I was so afraid for those couple of days before flying to the USA with Guru Maharaja and no matter how I kept reasoning about the futility of material pursuit the fear wouldn't lose its bite. But now that I look back to it, it was nothing. Compared to the contentment and a sense of purpose my choices have created in me, those moments of fear and struggle feel so small, to say the least.
It's not going to be a cake walk all the time living like this, but what would be anyway? And this only gets better if you apply yourself sincerely, whereas material life is just the opposite.
Remember that change hurts, but in the long run refusing to change hurts a lot more.
Nitai Joseph - April 26, 2007 1:07 am
Thank you all very much. Hearing these things helps. To know I have well-wishers, and not just any well-wishers, well-wishers with faith and devotion!! It's like having growing pains, but knowing for sure that this is just a taste of the growing pains to come, and that when applied to bhakti, brings some sort of intricate excited-fear. It's nice to hear from those who have already grown. One practical technique I've stumbled across is to leave alot of things for the last minute, so I have to be so plan oriented, that I often forget the immensity of what im planning for :Nail Biting:
Thanks again, looking forward to meeting so many of you.
Ian Laycock - April 26, 2007 1:23 am
nitai, i just got to audarya at the begining of the month and i felt very similar to you. i couldnt even sleep the night before. but dont worry, its definitly a great descion to come. everything here happens so naturally that it makes it quite easy to feel comfortable and at home very quickly. dont be nervous..be excited . your coming to a really great place. i look forward to meeting you soon :Nail Biting:
-ian
Babhru Das - April 26, 2007 1:45 am
Nitai, I'm with everyone else here. Whatever good wishes I may have to offer are yours, and Ian's. Whatever emotions you're feeling can just as easily interpreted as excitement (often the physical symptoms are the same). Your experience will be wonderful, regardless of the long-range direction it indicates. Let go, and enjoy the mercy.
Syamasundara - April 26, 2007 4:17 am
Well, as I've been mentioning around the forum, I'm about to make a hopefully permanent(whatever that means in the material world) move to Audarya. I fly out in 66ish hours. This reality has just hit me some and thought maybe it would help me to post my thoughts and feelings. And maybe even someone could get something out of it, maybe.
Right now my whole body has that tense feeling of anticipation/nervousness. I'm feeling quite scared. I am fully anticipating some challenges to my normal level of comfortability(physical and mental), but I worry about my determination and commitment. I so want this to work out, but I don't know how much I am really willing to inconvenience myself for the cultivation of bhakti. I doubt my seriousness. The people living at Audarya seem so engaged and "fixed-up", where did I get the idea that I can exist amongst their ranks.
Today I came across a quote from Srila Sridhar Maharaja, "We should always try to be in such a position that the servants of the Lord will like our company and service." I worry I won't be in that position :Nail Biting: and the last thing I want to do is inconvenience the Audarya-vasis. It's interesting, normally I am pretty confident about myself, believe that I can interact nicely with others, and they enjoy my company. I guess alot of things are being questioned since this is the biggest leap of my life thus far, materially and spiritually. I know theoretically we should take some discomfort in spiritual life, but wow, it's not so fun I'm thinking. And yet amidst all this, I am still not feeling prayerful in these "final hours".
Swami has told me that, (paraphrasing) in this situation there will be "no loss or dimunition", if the lifestyle isn't for me, I will still be better informed and equipped for my proper lifestyle. To that I feel like throwing a tantrum, "but I don't want any other lifestyle"
This is probably a sign of immaturity, but I just feel like, "keep it simple, stupid". I'm young, my obligations are few, and why not keep it that way.
Anyway sorry for wasting your time, but if anyone has some thoughts that might ease my mind, or slow my heart rate for that matter, please chime in. Also maybe someone could reveal some of the misconception or attachments that bring feelings like these.
Wow, this sounds like a big cue for a BG class!
Unfortunately I am sunburnt and feverish (I wonder how I'm going to take a bus to Audarya myself tomorrow... :Big Grin: ), and can't make much sense, but you think about it:
"Right now my whole body has that tense feeling of anticipation/nervousness. I'm feeling quite scared. I am fully anticipating some challenges to my normal level of comfortability(physical and mental), but I worry about my determination and commitment. I so want this to work out, but I don't know how much I am really willing to inconvenience myself for the cultivation of bhakti. I doubt my seriousness."
This is totally Arjuna before the battle, but Krsna says: "But those who always worship Me with exclusive devotion, meditating on My transcendental form — to them I carry what they lack, and I preserve what they have. (9.22)
I remember in my early days, as an Iskcon occasional guest, once I was in Villa Vrndavana, Florence, which I believe it was Machiavelli's house. It'a mess and a maze, there were so many devotees, and on my first day I was left to myself, I didn't know where to go for dinner, if there was a dinner, I didn't tell anybody though, and Krsna soon after I started to despair, made some maha prasada come my way. So many of these instances occurred. At the beginning Krsna is very encouraging, not like he changes in time; it's your attachments and anarthas that become louder and more pressing as you get purified.
Another verse that comes to mind is:
"What is night for all beings is the time of awakening for the self-controlled; and the time of awakening for all beings is night for the introspective sage." (2.69)
So, maybe don't trust your initial judgement for any behavior you might notice.
If the audaryavasis are fixed up, like you say, then they will be natuarally compassionate, so I wouldn't worry a thing. I don't remember worrying in my days, then again, I was going there more with an attitude of "let's check them out", rather than "will I be qualified?"
All right, I need to go back to bed and recover, I hope I could help somehow, although not as I planned.
Jananivasdas - April 26, 2007 9:22 am
the BG verse that allways helps me:
sarva-dharmān parityajya
mām ekaḿ śaraṇaḿ vraja
ahaḿ tvāḿ sarva-pāpebhyo
mokṣayiṣyāmi mā śucaḥ
Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me.
I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear.
Vamsidhari Dasa - April 27, 2007 5:55 am
Dear Nitai, It is so nice to read your post and the sincerity of your experience. It would be strange if you did not experience some anxiety and trepidation. Even though this is such a big step to take as you are preparing for it and look at the uncertainties from the outside, in realiy all you are doing is coming back home. May you discover a home you never knew you had. So, welcome.
[i hope that GN does not give you too much of a hard time]
Nitai Joseph - April 27, 2007 11:05 am
in realiy all you are doing is coming back home. May you discover a home you never knew you had. So, welcome.
Thats nice, real nice.