Tattva-viveka
Grateful
Abhay Krsna Dasa - January 20, 2010 5:16 am
Haribol,
I am writing to anounce that due to unimaginable generosity I have been offered an oppertunity to live and serve at Audarya. I had this opertunity once before. I lived at Audarya for most of my 19th year. This was the single most influential event of my life if not lifetimes. Unfortunetaly due to my weakness, lack of purity and over all fallen condition I left Audarya. Not only did I leave but I more or less shamefully ran away. In my short time there I think I devolped a sense of how lucky I was. Foolishly I would think, that Due to a (percieved understanding of Krsna) I would be able to flourish any where and live an independant life. Among other things I struggle to remember why I really left. But what a foolish choice this was. It's one thing not to take up devotional service but to run away from that place... To leave guru maharaja who is in my opinion the single rarest and important person you could ever meet.... It's like I won the biggest lottery ticket ever conceived and dropped it in the trash. Trust me when I tell you its sunk in how big a failure this was, and I can only pray for your kind wishes to help my overcome such a sin of the soul.
Of course as soon as I returned to my home in Massachusetts the cycle of failure started up. While my weak nyophyte faith in Krsna (thanks only to guru maharaja) never wained.... I can only say that by any devotional standards I lived a shameful life. There were periods of Nice chanting and reading. These were however far out weighed by living in a way that I can only describe as taking. I think most people I know would say that i was a nice guy. But I knew the correct way to live and yet I took for a living. I ate meals for my self, I made money for my self, I partied with friends, and took intoxicants, all for my self. Knowing full well the correct way to live..... I lived for my self plain and simple. When I finally felt bad enough about the way I was living, When I hit rock bottem, I would chant and read for a time and build my self up to where I felt good about my self again, but then I'd let my guard down and spiral down into the same traps. Bottom line here is that I knew how I should be living and yet I lived other wise. Again I pray and beg for all your kind wishes that I can over come this sin of the soul.
If there is one positive thing I can take from these past 6 years of a wasted life its this. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt how helpless I am. How fallen I am, and how desperatly I need the help of Devotees Association. I need this Association not only so that I can progress in spirtual life. I need it to survive. On my own I am tossed in the waves of material life, I am simply hopeless. And deservingly so. Guru Maharaja and you devotees have tossed me a rope to save me from this material ocean. What I have realised is that I dont need to keep fond memories of this rope. I dont need to make sure to keep this rope in sight. I need to grab ahold and climb up that rope with everything I am.
I didnt have some realization because of austarity and or proper spirtual practice. I just finally stopped lying to myself. I realized im trapped drowning and need to be saved. I asked Guru Maharaja for help, and due to his huge love and desire to see everyone serve Krsna, he agreed to help. I hope I can live my whole life trying to repay him and all you devotees for this help.
I thank you all in advance for dealing with me, so fallen and faulted. I know now more then ever that I am at the absolute bottom of the totum pole, and I am looking up at all of you hoping I can learn to be more like you. I hope I can work out all my kinks and filth with your guidance. I am like a stray dog taken in by a kind family. I have no qualification, and am beyond underserving, but from your kindness and the morcels or your leftover food I might be saved.
I write this because I want to show how serious I am trying to take this. And because you all deserved to be thanked for throwing in the rope and trying endlessly to save people who by choice swim away.
As pessimistic as this might have sounded. I want to mention how over joyed I am at this opertunity. I will never be able to put that into words. Never.
I am going to try to offer the entirety of my humble self to this mission.
I look forward to meeting and learning from you all. I thank you again in advance for dealing with me, and helping me. I need and will always need your help in order to move in any kind of positve direction.
In Service
Abhay Krsna
Tadiya Dasi - January 21, 2010 6:03 am
Abhay Krsna,
First of all, what a beautiful name Guru Maharaja has given you! I just visited Madhuvan and everyday I was reminded of how it is only at the feet of Krishna (Dauji-Gopal) that one will be able to become fearless. So many of the prayers and songs in Madhuvan center around the surrendered mood of the cowherd boys that is marked with their utter trust in Krishna's protection and the resulting confidence/fearlessness coming from that. (I also discovered how far away I am from fearlessness 
).
You are now taking a step in the direction of full surrender, and although you might be afraid of what the future will bring and lacking confidence in yourself - take hope and shelter at the feet of most merciful Gaura-Nityananda of Audarya and the sweet feet of Dauji-Gopal of Madhuvan that bring fearlessness. Guru Maharaja obviously has faith in you, confidence in you, and that is no small thing. In fact, though I don't know you personally, I've heard Guru Maharaja describe you as a "very, very nice man" and I trust his words 
I wish you all the best in your decision and I applaud you for your courage! I hope to be able some day to make a similar leap of faith in my life as well...
When I read your post, the words of Atma-nivedana by Bhaktivinoda Thakura came to mind, especially this verse:
pūrva itihāsa, bhulinu sakala,
sevā-sukha pe’ye mane
āmi to’ tomāra, tumi to’ āmāra,
ki kāja apara dhane
I have completely forgotten all past history by feeling great joy in my mind. I am most certainly Yours, and You are indeed mine. What need is there of any other treasure?
Remember that Sri Krishna-Caitanya is wonderful in many ways, but one of the special wonders of his character is that he does not judge a person by their past, not even by their present - but only sees their future potential! Jaya Gaura!
Again, you certainly have all my prayers, well-wishes and sympathy in your endeavor! You've been given a treasure.
Devyah-pati Das SERBIA - January 21, 2010 8:34 am
Nice and honest letter you wrote. Some 20 years ago I had problems
with sex desire and left temple life as the first devotee to do so (out
of some 200 living in the former Yugoslavia). Gradually all my standards
of spiritual life became shaken and I practiced Krsna consciousness
sometimes more sometimes less, but most of the time regarding bhakti
yoga I was in hibernation.
The most important thing is that I never lost faith in Krsna and Srila Prabhupad.
Even my guru (Harikesa Swami) left movement in the meanwhile,
but I said: "Maby I am fallen, but that does not change anything. Krsna will
always be God, Srila Prabhupad gave us the path, and just do whatever you
can and whenever you can for Krsna."
With this mentality, after years of meager bhakti yoga in practice, but
full faith in heart (some will say that this is not possible, but I feel it like this)
I met in the Holy Dham of Jagannath Puri when I was on my first trip to India,
I met B.G. Narasingha Maharaj who gave me mercy and informations on
Sridhar Maharaj.
Interesting... Some quite useless guy like me is one of the first of all those 200
devotees that were there in the beginning of the story and I took the path
of following the instructions of SM along with those of SP. In the meanwhile
I met Guru Maharaj (Tripurari Swami), and from there the whole new era starts.
Most probably I am still one of the worst students of His Divine Grace. But what
can be said, somebody has to be the worst . I am joking with you about this
last I just said.
You know, you are young person. In the biography of Srila Prabhupad it is
nicely written that the persons who came in contact with SP in the beginning
of his establishing mission in the US were materialy and spiritualy non-mature
persons.
Take your time. Relax. Relax in the sense that you don't think too much of
yourself, your impurities and disqualifications. Think of Krsna, and of his
beautifull qualities - this will lift you up! He is the center of all. He is Absolute.
Center your thoughts and life around him, and let yourself be guided by the
instructions of guru maharaj. If you do all of that, you will become a surrendered
soul, even before you notice that .
Don't worry. You will be happy in Krsna's embrace.
Ys,
Devyah-pati das
Babhru Das - January 21, 2010 1:51 pm
Abhay Krishna, I'm happy to hear that you're returning to Audarya. I'll echo the other devotees' encouragement to not dwell in the rough spots you've encountered on the path. The main thing is that you are on the path. Moreover, I know that Swami likes you. He has told me so himself, calling you a "very nice man." So when you return, do so with full faith and much courage. I hoe to meet you personally soon.
Abhay Krsna Dasa - January 21, 2010 5:51 pm
Haribol
Thank you all for your kind words. When you said that you were living in a bhakti hibernation that hit the nail on the head. Thats just how I was living. In fact Now that I am getting ready to go back to Audarya and dwelling on fond memories from my time there, it feels like these past years were nothing but a blur of sleep and now I'm crawling out of my cave to return to a real life!
I seem to be lucky in that I dont put my self through guilt trips and dwell on all my failures. Although I realize them. Your right that Krsna dosnt want us to dwell on this. I think he would want us to just start serving him right away and then all is forgotten in the joy of devotional life.
I am actually so happy and filled with joy and confidence to serve Krsna and Guru Maharaja. I wanted to write that however to remind my self of how unworthy and undeserving I really am. I wanted to bare my self to you all with my honest past so that all you great devotees can best help me progress.
I really can't wait to meet and learn from all of you!
In Service
Abhay Krsna
Guru-nistha Das - January 21, 2010 6:57 pm
I don't know Abhay, it's starting to look like us "great devotees" will actually be learning from you!
If you will be able to maintain the kind of mindset you're in now, you will have a very bright future in the ashram.
Looking forward to serving with you side by side. And take a deep breath, it's going to be a wild ride!
Braja-sundari Dasi - January 22, 2010 2:00 am
Thank you for your nice letter Abhay! You are under the best possible care and great humility and desire for seva emanate from your words. This is the perfect combination for success on spiritual path.
I hope to meet you one day in Madhuvan!