Tattva-viveka
struggling with spirituality
Elijah Hobbs - June 12, 2006 11:46 pm
this is hard for me to write because it is very personal, but i need to work on this aspect of my spiritual life.
at the age of 21 (i'm 27 now) i was sexually assaulted by an ISKCON devotee.
after this, my whole view of spirituality was shattered.
i have days when i fully believe in Krishna, but more often than not i'm left to wonder "why me?"
i wonder what i did to deserve this.
i'm also transgendered and had someone who I was aspiring for tell me that if i transitioned, no one would love or accept me.
despite this advice, i ended up transitioning.
i did lose some friends, but there are those who have been there with me the whole way.
i've been emotionally and physically abused at the hands of "devotees"
i always come back to krishna consciousness, but i cant seem to "keep the faith"
if anyone has any advice on how i could develop a strong, quality of spirituality i would appreciate it.
chanting is also hard because thoughts of the assault often come back to me. i've recently started having nightmares about this and it weakens my feelings twards God each time.
i've seen a therapist about all this, but i still struggle with my spirituality every day.
i hope all of this makes sense, my mind is kind of jumbled right now.
if these questions are inappropriate, just let me know and i'll delete it.
thanks
- elijah
Audarya-lila Dasa - June 13, 2006 12:16 am
Hi Elijah - you have a lot of courage to speak about your personal struggle and seek help. This is a safe place and a good place to share with devotees.
I have never been sexually abused so I can only empathize with you but I have no direct experience from which to draw that may help you. I do have the issue of trust of devotees and a betrayal of that trust in common with you and I have also had to come full circle with those issues over many years. I joined Iskcon back in 1978. In my youthful exuberance and my idealism I took the advice of senior devotees who I trusted whole heartedly and I took diksha from Hansadutta Swami. I found out fairly early on in my devotional 'career' that devotees are people with all kinds of faults. I associated with some pretty unsavory people who were called 'devotees' due to my association with Hansadutta. The person who I was taught to pray to and view as a 'transparent' via medium to Krsna also turned out to be transparent in ways in which the word was never intended in relation to a spritual guide.
My experiences in Iskcon with all of these 'devotees' coupled with the policies and practices that these 'devotees' were instituting within that organization caused me to keep my distance from Iskcon for a very long time. It also caused me to doubt the efficacy of the process and whether or not there was anyone who was actually exemplary as a devotee. I was resolved to be a devotee on my own without the 'help' of devotees who I had learned to distrust. What this amounted to was a big illusion on my part. Because I had been disappointed and found that I had placed my heart in the hands of charlatans I was determined to avoid such a mistake ever again. That is not the mistake - the mistake was to loose faith in devotees due to the fact that I had met many that didn't fit the definition and who had led me and others astray. Over the years I began to realize that I couldn't be a devotee without associating with devotees. It was by reading Sri Guru and His Grace that my heart softened and I was led ultimately to Guru Maharaja and the sanga around him.
I recommend continuing to work with your therapist on the deep issues you have as a result of the abuse. I also recommend listening to Guru Maharaja's lectures on CD and chanting prayerfully. Krsna will help you. My personal experience is that Krsna does listen and he will hear your heartfelt prayers and guide you on the right path to reach him. The fact that you are present in this Sanga tells me that Krsna is already reciprocating with you abudantly - now you just have to listen carefully.
Madangopal - June 13, 2006 1:32 am
Elijah, I also applaud your open-heartedness and sincerity in confronting personal issues of faith with us. Sincere inquiry is never inappropriate.
I won't add more to the general discussion of faith, but I would like to suggest that you combine your therapy and spiritual pursuits in consulting a devotee therapist. One who is familiar with your spiritual path and can also offer professional guidance in dealing with your personal experiences and pain may be very helpful to you. If you are interested, send me an email and I can recommend someone.
Syamasundara - June 14, 2006 3:47 pm
A devotee therapist sounds like a great idea. Myself I wouldn't have thought of that, but I do remember thinking yesterday, "I wonder how well a therapist can deal with the devotional aspect of the issue."
GM often says that the goswamis would come across as dysfunctional under analysis. Another option would be to split the guidance between a devotee like Swami and a therapist.
Igor - June 14, 2006 6:12 pm
What to say? Thank you for sharing that with us. That is huge problem. You are very sincire therefore you are still chanting and associate with devotees. I have never been in some simmilar situation, and I am not sure how I would act It is very difficult issue. Thank you for opening your hearth. Future of that person who did such agresion toward you is surerly very dark.
Babhru Das - June 14, 2006 8:07 pm
Dear Elijah,
I want to join the other in thanking you for your candor and the trust it implies. This is something I could not have even imagined 20 years ago, and, even though such news is no longer novel to me, I’m still processing your call for help. The worst part of such a situation is, as we see in your life and the lives of so many others, that this was also an assault on the tender creeper of your just-sprouting devotion to Krishna and his devotees.
As far as the worry about what you may have done to deserve such treatment, I would dismiss it. Krishna admits himself that karma is an impossible knot to untangle, and, because you had taken shelter of a spiritual community, I think the healthiest perspective may be that you simply did not deserve it. It’s pretty clear to me that the person who assaulted you is not a happy person and is also struggling with spiritual life, apparently with no one to give him competent help. There’s nothing I can do but pity him from a distance (from afar—a great distance!) and ask how we might be able to help you regain some spiritual health.
Your pain is compounded, no doubt, by the callousness of the institutional authorities whose guidance you sought. Somehow, all they could see was your body and your struggling mind. They were unable to see through those to the spark of devotion pleading to be fed and fanned. It appears to me that you are fortunate to have been shown that before you reposed too much trust, even your spiritual progress, in them. With regard to your gender, I've heard that a devotee in San Francisco told Srila Prabhupada of his gender confusion and that Srila Prabhupada told him simply to pick one and stick to it. I believe this devotee made the transition successfully and is steady in her service and still living in San Francisco. (Her name eludes me at the moment.)
Where is there for you to go now? I’d suggest that you have good company here, especially in Swami Tripurari. I think that if you could find a good therapist who is also an experienced and broadminded devotee, you may also find that helpful, as other members have suggested. I also want to suggest, if you don’t mind, that you may find some solace in Swami’s latest book, Siksastakam of Sri Caitanya. You should find in this book much good news about the therapeutic effects of chanting the holy name. I hope it may also help you to chant in such a way that your chanting begins to evoke Lord Chaitanya and Nityananda’s mercy, rather than the assault. Do you have CDs or tapes of chanting that you find pleasing or inspiring? If so, I’d suggest listening to them whenever you can. The same goes for any of Swami’s talks.
And if there’s anything I can do personally, please do let me know. I guess that, perhaps at least partly because I’m an old gurukula teacher, I feel a need to see how I can help make things better, as generally useless as I am.
Elijah Hobbs - June 16, 2006 3:35 am
thanks for everyones replies.
i really appreciate it. i feel alot more comfortable knowing that people here wont judge me.
i would love to have a devotee therapist if anyone knows someone in the dc area.
thank you for all of your suggestions. i will definately check out Siksastakam of Sri Caitanya. i dont have a lot of money right now (im on disability) so it may be awhile before i can afford to get it.
im slowly getting back into things. im very careful about who i associate with, but im getting a good feel of who i can trust and who i cant.
i know Swami is busy, but i appreciate any little moment he can spare. i feel blessed to be able to to be on this board. to be in the assocation of such great devotees is awesome.
i will be in colorado from june 20th until july 20th.
if anyone is in that area, i would love to associate with more of Swami's disciples
anyway, thanks again for all the heartfelt replies.
ys,
bhakta elijah
Jason - June 16, 2006 1:59 pm
Elijah,
As long as that last batch of Swami's books arrived to you safely, I would be happy to send you my copy of Siksastakam, because I may have easier access to an extra copy here in CA. Shoot me an email and I will send it out to you.
-J
Tadiya Dasi - June 17, 2006 4:14 pm
Elijah,
I was very touched by your story. And I'm amazed by your courage to be so open with us. I think it's good that the atmosphere here in Tattva-viveka is so safe & open-minded that you (and devotees in general) feel safe to share their emotions, thoughts and stories.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted you to know that you're heard and that we don't judge you here.
I hope that you will find a good therapist and begin to heal from your wounds. I wish you all the best! And, yes, it's definetely been my personal experience that Krishna not only hears our prayers, but answers them. 
Hang in there! Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better...
Take shelter of the Holy Names & trust Krishna --and everything will, slowly but surely, work out for you.
Citta Hari Dasa - June 22, 2006 4:32 pm
Elijah:
If you haven't already taken Jason up on his offer for a Siksastakam copy, we have a damaged one here (compliments of the U.S. Customs Agency) that we will send to you.
-Citta Hari dasa
Elijah Hobbs - June 28, 2006 5:57 pm
thanks for all the well wishes.
i acutually got a copy from Radhanama dasa (which i am greatful for)
sorry i cant write more, im in a cafe and dont have much time.
i'll write more when i am at a different computer.